he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize