Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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