i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
