My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
