You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
