you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
