guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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