Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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