my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
