For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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