Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
