Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
