Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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