What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
