I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
