I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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