So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
