Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
