how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
