You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
