worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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