I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Still dying that you shit outside
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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