my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
