there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I licked your asshole in confidence.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
