Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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