if you like me you must not know who I am
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
