omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
