If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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