i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize