It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
