Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
