and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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