Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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