did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
