my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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