it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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