Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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