Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
