Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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