Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
