His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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