Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
