I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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