I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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