I could have mohawked her pubes.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
