i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
