That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
