i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm really busy with my period
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