Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
