I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
