His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
