I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
