Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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