Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
