it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize