Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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