The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
