Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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