Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
