last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
